Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
