Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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