so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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