So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
