you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
