is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
