I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize