We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
