Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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