I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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