I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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