Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
