Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
