I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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