i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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