Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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