I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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