Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This is my gift to your gina
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
