Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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