You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
