stop calling my apartment porn island.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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