so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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