im drinking this country out of the recession.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
