it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm too high and old for this...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
