yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
only you would photoshop your dick
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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