i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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