I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
