too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
