I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
