Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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