I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
