If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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