I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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