maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
