I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Randomize
