He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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