So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I need moral support for this bender
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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