this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
