we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
