My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
