I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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