nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
