Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
