my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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