your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
