So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
