I didn't shave. On purpose
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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