eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
