i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
