My liver just broke up with me...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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