Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize