Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
