I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
