i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
