All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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