There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
