I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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