and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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