I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
