I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
