insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
