Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
